Friday Night Boogie.

I just peered around the apartment at the plants I just divided, and the ones that I still have to go.  Somehow I managed to swallow the lump that formed in my throat.  This is not what I used to do on a Friday night with no work on Saturday.  The brief sadness was swallowed down like any source of joy or pride that occupied my life just a few years ago now.  I'm strong.  I am intelligent.  I am safe.  I am loved.  I am alive.  Things are not what I thought they would be, or could have been.  However, happiness is all around me.  Fulfillment is mine to claim.  

I pushed the memories of reading all those cookbooks and the strange things that took place to another place and another time in my mind. I have nothing to validate to anyone but myself.  I do not owe anyone an explanation for my life.  I'm here now. I was brought to this moment.  I thought of Esther in the Bible and perhaps I am exactly where I was created to be at this very moment.  

 I had a client that passed recently.  I miss him beyond words.  He told me once that when such things take up space in my thoughts to push it to the furthest corners of my mind.  Save it for when that gnawing feeling kicks in and use it to survive what comes your way.  Use it to to get through and get back to where you need to be.

He gently reminded me from his own experiences in life, that certain people, and certain situations will often test your strength, mentally and physically.  Never give in.  Save it for such a time, and let it take care of you.  He was a purple heart, bronze star, congressional metal of honor.  We spoke of fears and anxiety of things to come.  Those things come from the probability of an outcome from situations and events in our paths in life.  He simply said "You know what's coming,  push it back in your mind and when it comes,  let it take care of you.  You're not staying where you are at, you're just working through it.  You got places to go, and things to do, and people waiting on you to get there.  Let it save you.".   
I still count the exits in a new surrounding, the number of steps needed to arrive in the darkness, or to come and go and then make a mental note of the people around me.  It's an awareness of what's going on around me.  Life is a jungle for all of us at some point in our life.

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