Creamed Chipped Beef and Split Pea Soup

On the evening of December 5, it was my parents 59th anniversary. I went to the store and got chipped beef.  That's what I used to make him,  split pea soup and cream chip beef over toast.  It reminded him of a good time in his life.  I liked to make him special things.  Even a blue birthday cake once because his mother had made him one as a child and it was a favorite memory.  I bought a bouquet of flowers for the bedroom.  It was odd that evening.  I called them earlier and sent a text.  I also had sent reminders to my girls of my parents anniversary.

The sales clerk told me those were beautiful flowers and I said I'm getting them for myself because I deserve them.  She said yes we do, as women we do so much more than what people realize.  I smiled and thought wow these are pretty for the vase in my bedroom.

I listened to the Christmas music as I strolled around the store.  A smile crossed my face as I remembered evenings of endless Christmas music that we listened to this time of year.  For a brief moment I almost felt incredibly sad and then I decided,  no,  that is a happy memory.  I was missing how things used to be.  The way we were.  He loved Christmas music and kept it on in the car as well.  

I didn't realize that the Friday night prior was the last time I would talk to him on Earth in person.   I was thinking he looked incredibly vigor in spite of a badly broken ankle.  Except for the excessive swelling in his neck and face.  In fact for some reason I texted an RN and mentioned it, as well as a friend.  It did not look right to me.  We had a good talk about our daughter and he was surprised that I didn't freak out he broke his foot.  I offered to help him anyway I could, and he said no, I'm fine.... I go to the doctor next week.  I said I really wish you would have told me.  I could have helped you out.  

I was aggravated that our daughter was at a friend's house and not studying.  She was supposed to be with me that weekend and I was really kind of aggravated with both of them for not being more consistent with the situation.  Aside from all of that I was glad that we talked and there was no bad feelings.  Just like two old friends.  Sometimes he couldn't even talk to me or look me in the eye.  Not since the divorce.  Other times he would deliberately and flippantly ignore me and incorporate our child into the situation.  Sometimes she felt torn and sometimes it made her feel powerful that she could hurt me.

But back to the evening of December 5th.  He passed away in his sleep overnight.  I'd like to think that his soul gave me some bittersweet memories that evening as a goodbye.  We were just connected that way.