I Will Not Apologize For That

Damon used to drink and drive with my daughter in the vehicle. No matter how much I cried or begged, or tried to address it or told anyone, nothing was done. It seems as if my values were dismissed. In fact during the divorce process awful things were done by family members and the community. DFACS calls, suicide alerts, law enforcement calls, stalking me, interception of all of my digital correspondence, be it calls, text or messages. Awful torture that was tied to all these other things on top of the worry of the addictions and safety of my children. It seems as if every threat was aggressively made towards me for my values of my children and my life. I will not apologize for valuing my life and the life of others. In fact I was financially, emotionally and physically drained and when everything I had was gone he was too. It used to be in the mornings after I knew he had drank heavily the night before and was taking a handful of Xanax and was off driving to work. I would hear a siren before I left to take my daughter to school. My heart would sink and I would immediately freeze with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Silently I would pray "oh dear God, please don't let him hurt himself or someone else." That was then and he's done a lot of terrible things since then. Terrible things. We are no longer married. Yet I still worry that something will happen to him one day or somebody else.  


Tonight I almost panicked because I did not hear from my daughters immediately after the New Year at midnight. The oldest one is married and with her husband and pretty responsible. I could see them taking an Uber rather than driving and I would be more worried about her having too much to drink and getting sick. The youngest one will be 16 this month. On nights like tonight when I wasn't sure whether she went with her dad or stayed at her cousin's and I hear a siren, that old familiar feeling swells up inside me, where my heart sinks, a lump comes in my throat and tears to my eyes. Now I worry about her when I don't know where she's at or she doesn't call or text. She's not at the age yet to understand what that does to a parent. When you're able to tell the truth or openly honestly conversate about what's going on with you it builds trust. Dishonesty and evasiveness build curiosity for the facts. And as for my oldest, when I don't hear from her even though I know she is responsible, and my son in law as well, I think about the other people that aren't, and how many loved ones won't be coming home tonight. It scares me. It scares me.  





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