The Meaning of Blue Roses

When I am overwhelmed and unfocused, I feel my anger, stress, or sorrows raise into my mindset like a sour bile caught in your throat before you puke. I have these little private moments that I call a bitch fit.  I go into my room, cry, scream, sob, or write every nasty thought that plagues my soul at that particular moment.  I need this to refocus.  Once I'm done, I mutter to myself a moment, wallow in my self pity and self absorbed worry, and then..... didn't change anything.  Do I really want or need the negative energy I am letting into the universe back?  On top of what provoked this incident to begin with?  It didn't solve anything.   I focus on the end result of the situation.  I ask myself, what can I do?  What can I do that will change this situation?  What can I do to help someone else affected by the situation?  Then I focus on the end result.  I stretch my hands behind my head and lay fl...

As photos were pilfered in SC, I was flooded with memories of my Aunt Sandra Pate.  It was the strangest thing that occurred only I wasn't in South Carolina at all I was in Georgia.  They went through the old pictures of me feeding the pig with a bottle, and the Cherokee Indian Chief holding me while my oldest sister pouted.  And then of course they wanted to know everything about Sandra that I could remember. I had the one distinct memory of going out to the cattle pasture and touching the hot wire on the fence.  It was when she lived on the farm in Alabama.  I had repeatedly been told not to do so but I just had to touch that fence to see what would happen.  It shocked the mess out of me and flung me back.  I was all of six at the time.  Then of course all those comments about how I have to learn things the hard way.  May 16, 2015.  Dodi started saying her birthday was May 13. P.S.  Nothing to do with a Horace from AOL...

Don't you hate when somebody is eavesdropping on cellphones and the TV in the background and then try to claim it was just the TV?  Or else claimed some drama on the TV is an actual conversation?  Or say it was the cellphones or your imagination?

There was another little poem she wrote too that said something about my mother is the lover of pizza, angels and bears and of course chocolate....I wish I had it still.  It was in the old dry sink with my prosperity chickens.

So it was Christmas 2014. Probably shortly before shortly after Christmas.   My friend was insisting on coming by though I didn't want her to.  I physically didn't feel very well and was less than cordial.  We were talking hair removal and wrinkles starting in our forties. She was talking about being diagnosed with Bipolar depression and was going through a bunch of things and a divorce as well as a new relationship.  So somebody sat there and listened to everything and has terrorized me for 10 years.  Insisting that I'm bipolar and all kinds of stuff over her dad and her dad is deceased now and has been for years now.  Charles.  A Charles.  Not Charles Wallace from A Wrinkle in Time.  Though I was reading out loud to Dodi.  I couldn't figure out what Charles.  

Dodi had a little cousin named Samantha that she met at my aunt Doris's funeral.  Was that 2013 or 2014?  They had fun laughing and skipping around and looking at the stone angels at the cemetery.  Something about Craig's death just wasn't right.  On the way home we went through the back way and looked at farmland and flags gently blowing in the breeze.  Tiny basketball goals hooked to the side of a big red barn.  Rural America at it's best. Now I want y'all to all remember before you tell me again that I don't know what I'm talking about..... They went through every single solitary contact I had and all of their contacts during the cyberattack and eavesdropping.  Dodi used to talk to Samantha on the phone.  Samantha Miley.  Now Samantha Shurley is another story.  Just like the Ralph's....and Sabrina and Sabrina.   Sepia and Sebina herbal remedies for miscarriage and terrorism from stalking and eavesdropping for USA government ...

How can I be of comfort to others when my own heart is crushed with grief and sorrow?   God if you can't take it away and fill me with love and healing, at least give me the blessing of using my pain to help someone else.   God help me close my mouth so my ears may listen.  Help me understand.  God I thank you for everything, most of all the precious intricate gift of life itself.  Thank you for the everyday miracles around me of my life on Earth.  Forgive me again and again when my struggles seem to outweigh the gratitude.  How thankful I am that you know how grateful I am and you know my heart before the words even form in my mouth or my mind. God, I pray again today for Dodi.  God please save our special bond.  Please help me reach out to her and let her know her mother's love again.  Lord please I pray that you restore what others have destroyed.  I thank you,  for my daughters.  The biggest love of being a p...